Judgmental

A little while ago I posted about recognizing I needed to be a bit... more. And I didn't really disclose everything because it wasn't just about needing to be more, but also a bit... less.

See, I'm actually a really judgmental person. I am to myself and to a lot of other people. I had this realization after a conversation with one of my roommates. Not because of anything that was necessarily said, it was just one of those percolating things that later after the conversation it kind of just hit me that I'd not been very good about a lot of things. And not just with that particular situation, but with others, and with other people.

I re-read a post from October and I'm contemplating taking it down. I feel bad about it because I have been very wrong about a lot of things. It's rough because cleaning up is always a lot harder and time consuming than making the mess.

Running!

I'm onto a new running venture. I now have nike+ and I must say that I rather like it. I have only used it once so I'm not completely familiar with everything, but what I've experienced so far has been great. If only I could figure out how to upload my runs online.

Either way it is still nice to have to tell me how far I've been, how fast I'm going, and how much of the run is left. And I get to have a powersong!

Cuando Menos Piensas Sale el Sol

I am so very grateful for a much needed vacation. Even though it has only been a few days, I needed the break from work. I've done ok not thinking about work. Whenever work thoughts creep into my head I push them away as best I can. I've needed the break for several reasons: 1) I have become somewhat hyperfocused on things at work, 2) I haven't been doing very many creative things and have been feeling somewhat stifled of soul, 3) I've also been feeling somewhat agitated and impulsive

Pero cuando menos piensas sale el sol.

I decided to start running again. This means I need new music. So I went to the public library to check out some CDs. One of which was a newer album by Shakira, which I have thus far been pleased with. It is reminiscent of earlier albums which I've enjoyed. The initial track, Sale el Sol, struck a chord with the refrain, "pero cuando menos piensas sale el sol" (when you least think it, the sun comes out).

Very true. This is somewhat of a time in my life where the Lord has opened a window when I found myself facing closed doors.

Happiness

Well over a month has gone by and I haven't yet written about what I had been thinking about. It is still on my mind, but that is about all. I haven't done a whole lot with it.

And I recognize that I need to be a bit...more.

Today during relief society we talked about modesty. Later at home a couple of roommates and I had a brief discussion about some of the said and unsaid comments. Essentially the conversation touched on the disconnect between words and actions. I recognize this about myself. I can say all the right answers all day long. But how often do I really put my heart and soul into doing them? I admit that it hasn't been anytime lately.

Funny how life is. I have been very happy lately. I want to say that I'm not sure why, but I know that it is a culmination of several things. It is outside voices who say "happiness is a choice," and voices who talk about how confident they are. People probably don't realize how much soaks in, but stuff soaks in for me. I listen, mull it over for a while, and somehow absorb something from it.

A lot of my thoughts lately have been about gratitude I guess. Grateful people are happy people. No matter how little or how much someone has, if they are grateful for it, they will be happy. No matter what is going on in your life... if you are grateful, you will be happy.

Breanne Day

Several weeks ago my roommate Alisha announced that she had declared an "Alisha Day" because she needed one. She "worked from home" for half a day, got a phone call to come get a massage, and then when she went into work and announced it was a day in honor of herself, people actually got behind that and wanted to bring her cakes the next day! And then they did!

When she told me of this, I was honestly a bit baffled by this entire scenario. Were I to declare a "Breanne Day", that would be the day everything would go wrong. I chalked it up to how some things just work out for some people. I stopped wishing and trying to be a part of those some people a long time ago, and just accepted my life as is. It is far easier to just accept it an move on instead of getting frustrated at trying to change things that I cannot change.

Alisha was just as baffled at my reaction and perspective. And in honor of that I thought, "Well maybe I could have a Breanne Day." Of course as soon as I whispered it out loud, things turned sour at work and I immediately abandoned any thoughts of a day.

Fast forward to today. My birthday. My day. I didn't not say it out loud, but I did tell myself Happy Birthday this morning and I knew that today was going to be a good day. And it was a great day. My mom sent me flowers at work, the guy at work that I haven't been getting along with bought me lunch, people told me happy birthday, I got a present in the mail from Jess (so cool by the way. A blue canary night light, and a wonderful tribute to the college days of listening to They Might Be Giants), I finished the Book of Mormon (and I started it on October 1 of this year), and I went to dinner at a very cool restaurant (Magic Time Machine) with my roommates and friends, and had a wonderful time :)

So I just wanted to blog about how I've had a good day today and hope to blog soon about some other things I've been thinking on.

Where has the time gone?

So I know it has been a while... a long while. And I was supposed to be fairly consistent. Work happened I guess.
I've been working now for Northside ISD. I like the people I work with. I like my supervisor. I like the schedule a little better. I do not like the paperwork and the bureaucracy. I do not like the school system. They are stupid. Not the teachers and not necessarily the administration (although I think some of whatever has got those making the mandates has gotten into some of the administration).

I'm just really frustrated with it I guess because it isn't going to change. Nobody stands up and says "The way we do this is inefficient, It could be done better!" Its just me with a bunch of people looking up at me, wondering what I'm doing.

Maybe they tried it once and nothing got changed. I dunno. It is rather disconcerting. Better to just do things the dumb inefficient way. Whatever. Should things continue in such a manner, I am not going to renew my contract. I just need to get my CCCs.

But I'm always unhappy about something it seems. If it isn't that it will be something else.

I have some new goals I've started. Paying off my student debt in 2 years is kind of a lofty goal. Doable, but a little difficult. Not a lot of wiggle room.

I've had the goal since June to read the Book of Mormon for 45 min a day. I've been failing miserably at it until recently. So far in the month of October I've read at least 45 min every day. My parent's branch president promised from the pulpit that doing that "will change who you are." I want to put that promise to the test.

I've been feeling rather unfulfilled lately. I don't know what it missing in my life, but that gnawing hole in my soul is beginning to  be raw again. I've prayed about it and gotten a blessing about it. I need to be serving. And I am. I don't always know what that means though. And roommates don't always like me doing nice things for them :( Makes them feel guilty or something. So I'll have to find another way to attempt to find fulfillment in service.

I enjoyed General Conference. I have absolutely been thinking that Heavenly Father has forgotten me, that he doesn't need me for anything, and that I don't have much of a purpose anywhere. But President Uchtdorf said, "You Matter to Him" on Saturday and "You are Not Forgotten" during the Relief Society Broadcast. So it must be true, right? I just wish I could feel it. It's great to hear it, and I believe that what they say is true, but I still feel tired and alone. I still feel like I draw unlucky cards in the game of life. I know I shouldn't compare, but my roommate has this awesome job that she complains about all the time. I know her job isn't all sunshine all the time. But it has a lot of perks. She gets 2 months of vacation a year that she can take anytime. She gets to take naps at work, she can work from home whenever she wants, she can go play ultimate frisbee in the middle of the day, and the list could go on. When she comes home, there is no work to do. (My work frequently follows me home, in my thoughts and in my arms). There are a lot of perks to the job. But she talks about it like she can't stand going. And maybe she can't. I don't do her job, but if I didn't like it that much, I'd find something else I think.

Maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. Really I want a job that I look forward to going to every day. If I'm going to spend the majority of my time at work, I want to be doing something that I enjoy. I like the part of my job where I help people, and where I figure out the puzzle of why something is. I don't mind the part of paperwork (documenting is absolutely necessary, that's how things get measured and how you can tell you are even doing anything effective. I love to collect data). I just don't like the way the paperwork is done. It is dumb. ARDuous even. I don't like that my paperwork takes up the majority of my time. I think I'm going to take data on how much of my time I'm spending on each of my activities related to work (paperwork, therapy, planning). I'd be interested to know.

I'm not sure why I feel forgotten. Sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to offer. When I was younger I had all these plans to do something great and be someone great. I felt like there was greatness in me, lying dormant, waiting to emerge like a fresh bud on some kind of plant awesomeness. I feel like now there isn't anything great in there, nothing is going to bud because there is nothing to bud on a non-flowering weed. And then I feel dumb for ever thinking that there was anything great when there wasn't. Maybe it's a matter of getting used to the idea that I'm not meant for that. I'm meant for something else. Just accept it and move on. Stop fighting against something that isn't in the plan.

Gatorbait 2

So I completed the Gatorbait Triathlon a couple of weeks ago. It went well. I liked it. I think I'll do another one. I don't know when or where yet. And honestly I've been really busy with work this week and haven't had a chance to go run or bike or anything. It's too early in the morning and too hot in the afternoon.

I just thought I'd post this picture though. This is me after the race, right before I got in the car and drove home.

Gatorbait

Saturday is my very first triathlon.

500m swim
13mi bike
4mi run.

I got an email to remind me of packet pickup and this is what it said:
"This is the 4th annual GatorBait Memorial Triathlon. In 2008 while we were in the permit process to secure the race, someone killed the 12ft Alligator that lived at the Lake. This was also the very first race that Redemption Race Productions ever produced. I hope you enjoy the race and have fun.

Whoop!

My mom is driving down on to attend the event with me. I hope to post pictures!

What's in a name?

I recently ate dinner with a new "bosom friend" I think. She is a very interesting woman who interestingly enough uses a name that she gave herself herself in college. As a joke at a ward activity she wrote Helga on her nametag and began to use that name in the ward. The ward boundaries changed and she decided to change her name when she found herself in the other ward. She began introducing herself with her new name, and people would ask "is that short for something?" She'd say yes it's short for Gertrude, but that isn't her name at all. But the name stuck.

In relating this to me, she also mentioned that at one point her bishop was asked by a friend why she went by that name. The bishop said that she was hiding behind her name. She didn't really agree with that until she moved to San Antonio. San Antonio is for her what Lubbock was for me. A very lonely and isolating place with few feelings of fitting in. She said her adopted name became something she hides behind.  Her real name starts with a K and that's the name all her family use, always has. She said that most people don't know who she really is because she doesn't let them know K.

We proceeded to talk late into the night of profound things. It was very fomenting conversation. I hope that we become good friends and that some day in natural conversation K just falls out of me like I always knew her.

Just Breathe

Maybe it's because I don't really have anything to do right now. I feel in a little bit of a funk. Work starts for me on Wednesday, well I have some training for work, but that will be good to have something to do.

One of my roommates served her mission in Madagascar and I've taken one of her books in order to attempt to learn Malagasy. So far I haven't learned a whole lot. The language has rules, but apparently it doesn't follow the rules. Pronunciation doesn't seem to follow all of its rules either. It is a little frustrating. And there isn't a whole lot of information online either. There aren't a whole lot of people dying to learn Malagasy. But I think it's cool and I'd love to talk a little with my roommate. I think that she'd like that too.

Whenever I feel in a funk I always try to look for things to do for other people. There are some girls in the ward that have gone gluten free. I made them some gluten-free chocolate chip cookies Sunday before last, but still haven't taken them. I have been trying to come up with a clever note that will inspire them to pay it forward. So far I've been at a loss for what to say in the note. Everything I've tried to come up with is either too cheesy or just silly.

Today was one of those days where I just had to remind myself, "Hey, you're ok. You'll be fine. Just breathe."