Monday, October 10, 2011

Where has the time gone?

So I know it has been a while... a long while. And I was supposed to be fairly consistent. Work happened I guess.
I've been working now for Northside ISD. I like the people I work with. I like my supervisor. I like the schedule a little better. I do not like the paperwork and the bureaucracy. I do not like the school system. They are stupid. Not the teachers and not necessarily the administration (although I think some of whatever has got those making the mandates has gotten into some of the administration).

I'm just really frustrated with it I guess because it isn't going to change. Nobody stands up and says "The way we do this is inefficient, It could be done better!" Its just me with a bunch of people looking up at me, wondering what I'm doing.

Maybe they tried it once and nothing got changed. I dunno. It is rather disconcerting. Better to just do things the dumb inefficient way. Whatever. Should things continue in such a manner, I am not going to renew my contract. I just need to get my CCCs.

But I'm always unhappy about something it seems. If it isn't that it will be something else.

I have some new goals I've started. Paying off my student debt in 2 years is kind of a lofty goal. Doable, but a little difficult. Not a lot of wiggle room.

I've had the goal since June to read the Book of Mormon for 45 min a day. I've been failing miserably at it until recently. So far in the month of October I've read at least 45 min every day. My parent's branch president promised from the pulpit that doing that "will change who you are." I want to put that promise to the test.

I've been feeling rather unfulfilled lately. I don't know what it missing in my life, but that gnawing hole in my soul is beginning to  be raw again. I've prayed about it and gotten a blessing about it. I need to be serving. And I am. I don't always know what that means though. And roommates don't always like me doing nice things for them :( Makes them feel guilty or something. So I'll have to find another way to attempt to find fulfillment in service.

I enjoyed General Conference. I have absolutely been thinking that Heavenly Father has forgotten me, that he doesn't need me for anything, and that I don't have much of a purpose anywhere. But President Uchtdorf said, "You Matter to Him" on Saturday and "You are Not Forgotten" during the Relief Society Broadcast. So it must be true, right? I just wish I could feel it. It's great to hear it, and I believe that what they say is true, but I still feel tired and alone. I still feel like I draw unlucky cards in the game of life. I know I shouldn't compare, but my roommate has this awesome job that she complains about all the time. I know her job isn't all sunshine all the time. But it has a lot of perks. She gets 2 months of vacation a year that she can take anytime. She gets to take naps at work, she can work from home whenever she wants, she can go play ultimate frisbee in the middle of the day, and the list could go on. When she comes home, there is no work to do. (My work frequently follows me home, in my thoughts and in my arms). There are a lot of perks to the job. But she talks about it like she can't stand going. And maybe she can't. I don't do her job, but if I didn't like it that much, I'd find something else I think.

Maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. Really I want a job that I look forward to going to every day. If I'm going to spend the majority of my time at work, I want to be doing something that I enjoy. I like the part of my job where I help people, and where I figure out the puzzle of why something is. I don't mind the part of paperwork (documenting is absolutely necessary, that's how things get measured and how you can tell you are even doing anything effective. I love to collect data). I just don't like the way the paperwork is done. It is dumb. ARDuous even. I don't like that my paperwork takes up the majority of my time. I think I'm going to take data on how much of my time I'm spending on each of my activities related to work (paperwork, therapy, planning). I'd be interested to know.

I'm not sure why I feel forgotten. Sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to offer. When I was younger I had all these plans to do something great and be someone great. I felt like there was greatness in me, lying dormant, waiting to emerge like a fresh bud on some kind of plant awesomeness. I feel like now there isn't anything great in there, nothing is going to bud because there is nothing to bud on a non-flowering weed. And then I feel dumb for ever thinking that there was anything great when there wasn't. Maybe it's a matter of getting used to the idea that I'm not meant for that. I'm meant for something else. Just accept it and move on. Stop fighting against something that isn't in the plan.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Bre! I'm sorry that you're feeling forgotten and down lately. I feel sad to think you feel that way, especially because I know that there IS greatness in you. Hello! I was also your roommate! :) Don't you start doubting how very precious you are! Our prophets don't say those things just to hear themselves talk. They were talking to YOU, Bre. You know the Church is true, therefore you know they are true prophets, therefore the logic follows that their words are true, especially when they speak as prophets. You are wonderful and precious and beautiful and loved. And you are great. And I love you. I know I'm a horrible keep-in-toucher, but I want to be better. And, by the way, I still swear you never replied to my last email. ;) Lol. Email me anytime. I love you!!