Closer

I was thinking today about something Michelle had said once about how she felt like part of what she was supposed to do here in San Antonio was to just work on being closer to heavenly father.
I wish I felt that way more often. I feel it right now, it's kind of hitting me in the face and I have this Laman and Lemuel feeling of Lehi standing over me an saying "awake my sons!"
There are so many things that I need to change and so many things I need so be better in. I don't know where to begin and it is too big and too much.

Recent events have caused me to reflect and I feel like I need to be better. I've got to stop making excuses, stop putting it off, and just get on with it. And I think I've got to stop looking at the hard parts of it and stop looking at them as these insurmountable things. I need to just be better.

I just wish I knew how or had more faith about it... Yeah that's what I need. I just need to have more faith about it. And to just ask.
Gen. 32:29
Judges 18:5
Matt 7:7-11
Matt 21:22
Luke 11:9-13
John 16:23-24
John 14:13-14
John 11:22
John 15:7
John 4:10
1 Nephi 15:11
2 Nephi 32:4
2 Nephi 4:35
Enos 1:15
Mosiah 4:10
Mosiah 4:21
Alma 7:23
3 Nephi 14:7-11
3 Nephi 18:20
3 Nephi 27:28-29
3 Nephi 17:3
D&C 42:68
D&C 42:61
D&C 50:29
D&C 8:11
D&C 8:1
D&C 88:63-64
James 1:5-6
1 John 3:22
1 John 5:14-15
Psalm 105:40
Mormon 9:21
Mormon 9:27
D&C 11:5
D&C 12:5
D&C 132:40
D&C 14:5
D&C 14:8
D&C 29:6
D&C 46:7
D&C 6:5
D&C 9:7-8
D&C 101:27
D&C 18:18
D&C 35:9
D&C 4:7
D&C 49:26
D&C 7:1
D&C 75:27
Moses 6:52
D&C 10:21
D&C 103:31

How many times over does He say to just ask?

Seeing your face

Dear Michelle,
I hope that you are doing well.
Today my thoughts turned to you,
As I heard what you'd been through.

It's funny just how life turns out
And just how trials come about.
My mind reflects when we last spoke
You were nice to laugh at my joke.

I close my eyes and see your face,
It's your smile I just can't erase.
I see the softness in your eyes,
You're just Michelle, no disguise.

When I close my eyes I only feel
That all of this is so surreal.
But I suppose you are now embraced
In all that is His love and grace.

I miss you more than words can say.
You've left a hole in every day.
I cannot wait to see you again.
Until then,
your loving friend.

Unengaged (but not anxiously)

I recently called off my engagement. I had been thinking it for a bit and then he asked about postponing so I said I wanted to do that since I'd been thinking about calling it off. I took some time to think about it, and decided to give the ring back because I realized I'm not in love with him. And I couldn't go through with it for that reason.

Calling it off has actually been the fresh air that I think my soul needed. I feel so much more confident about this decision than I did with the decision to get married.

I don't know what plan is in my future, but it is something else. And it feels good that it is something else.

Anchor

Mindy Gledhill has fast-become one of my favorite artists. I definitely need to buy this CD.

So I was thinking about what else I should blog about after reading a couple of blogs written by other people. Some people are just so talented... and funny. I love to read the funny musings of other people, see their realness unfold in the words that they use to describe themselves and their experiences. I'd like to do that. I feel I need more practice...

Hence the reason I created the blog in the first place I suppose.


A while back I had come to the conclusion that I was going to be at peace with myself as an individual, as single and solitary as that sounds. I was finished trying to make this... finding a someone work. I hadn't been successful with it for all my trying. I didn't understand a lot of the hows and whys of what makes relationships turn into these deep meaningful things (well still don't I guess). I decided, "You know what... I don't need anything else or anyone else. I'm ok. I can be happy and fine. I can have fun. I can." I realized finally that I am a whole and complete person independent of any relationship with any person here. What makes me a whole and complete person is my relationship with my Savior. Finally coming to the realization that I am complete helped me to be happier. I didn't have to look for anything anymore. It was kind of there all along. I only needed to realize it. And I found my anchor. The world made sense again. I felt gratitude. Happiness restored.

It is interesting how events and people in our lives shift things and make them slightly off kilter. We adjust and things level out. But there is always something else eventually I think. Maybe that's part of what life it for and what it is about. Re-finding the anchor, and finding it even in unexpected places.

Especially for those whose feet aren't quite always on the ground.

Y para la que está por inquieta y no pueda parar...