Seeing your face

Dear Michelle,
I hope that you are doing well.
Today my thoughts turned to you,
As I heard what you'd been through.

It's funny just how life turns out
And just how trials come about.
My mind reflects when we last spoke
You were nice to laugh at my joke.

I close my eyes and see your face,
It's your smile I just can't erase.
I see the softness in your eyes,
You're just Michelle, no disguise.

When I close my eyes I only feel
That all of this is so surreal.
But I suppose you are now embraced
In all that is His love and grace.

I miss you more than words can say.
You've left a hole in every day.
I cannot wait to see you again.
Until then,
your loving friend.

Unengaged (but not anxiously)

I recently called off my engagement. I had been thinking it for a bit and then he asked about postponing so I said I wanted to do that since I'd been thinking about calling it off. I took some time to think about it, and decided to give the ring back because I realized I'm not in love with him. And I couldn't go through with it for that reason.

Calling it off has actually been the fresh air that I think my soul needed. I feel so much more confident about this decision than I did with the decision to get married.

I don't know what plan is in my future, but it is something else. And it feels good that it is something else.

Anchor

Mindy Gledhill has fast-become one of my favorite artists. I definitely need to buy this CD.

So I was thinking about what else I should blog about after reading a couple of blogs written by other people. Some people are just so talented... and funny. I love to read the funny musings of other people, see their realness unfold in the words that they use to describe themselves and their experiences. I'd like to do that. I feel I need more practice...

Hence the reason I created the blog in the first place I suppose.


A while back I had come to the conclusion that I was going to be at peace with myself as an individual, as single and solitary as that sounds. I was finished trying to make this... finding a someone work. I hadn't been successful with it for all my trying. I didn't understand a lot of the hows and whys of what makes relationships turn into these deep meaningful things (well still don't I guess). I decided, "You know what... I don't need anything else or anyone else. I'm ok. I can be happy and fine. I can have fun. I can." I realized finally that I am a whole and complete person independent of any relationship with any person here. What makes me a whole and complete person is my relationship with my Savior. Finally coming to the realization that I am complete helped me to be happier. I didn't have to look for anything anymore. It was kind of there all along. I only needed to realize it. And I found my anchor. The world made sense again. I felt gratitude. Happiness restored.

It is interesting how events and people in our lives shift things and make them slightly off kilter. We adjust and things level out. But there is always something else eventually I think. Maybe that's part of what life it for and what it is about. Re-finding the anchor, and finding it even in unexpected places.

Especially for those whose feet aren't quite always on the ground.

Y para la que está por inquieta y no pueda parar...

Changing

Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about changing.

Can a zebra change it's stripes?
What about when it just change on the outside?
How much change on the inside is necessary?
Do we have to change everything about ourselves?
Why does there have to be an external force for real change to occur?

Change is something I've always had a lot of practice with. I grew up moving around a lot. I changed schools, I changed houses, I changed friends, etc. Who knows maybe all the changes at such a critical identity building time are part of why I've struggled to figure out my identity and why it has taken so long for me to figure out my stripes. And even now I don't know that I really have them figured out.

Back to the question, "Can a zebra change it's stripes?" Initially I thought of Luke 1:37. Why couldn't a zebra change his stripes? Nothing is impossible.
But I guess like with everything else, the key is faith (Matt 17:20).

Return from Madagascar

I returned from Madagascar today. My life is changed.

I went with my roommate who served her mission there. This was her first time to return since being home. Getting to Madagascar was a story all in of itself, but I want to devote this place to the place and the people, not the trip.

I was only there for a short time but it was the taste of something profound and meaningful, and I hope something that will be in my future.

I'm not entirely sure how or in what way, but I feel different. I feel changed because of Madagascar. I think it was good for me to go, not just because I got to go to a very far away and exotic place, or because I got to meet wonderful people, but because I think I needed to just slow down a little. I'd become very caught up in this to-do list and the pace of it. I'd forgotten many things. Time moves slowly in Madagascar. There is an island flavor in Mada that contributes to the laid-back culture. Mada is a place all it's own. It's not Africa, it's not Polynesian. It's just Malagasy. Things are not time oriented, they are event oriented.

 Madagascar is beautiful. It is full of green covered mountains and valleys. We drove from the capital city, Antanarivo, to a place at the beach called Tomasino.

 The valleys are saturated with rice paddies. And it seems as though the people continue to grow rice as it was done hundreds of years prior by their ancestors.

I like the jungle-ness of Madagascar. As we drove through the jungle covered mountain the chirping and buzzing could be heard above the sound of the car and the wind. I recognized a lot of the plants because they grow here in Texas, mimosa trees, elephant ears, and palm trees (although there were were fewer and fewer the further we got from the coast). There are a lot of ravenala trees, eucalyptus trees, ferns, and grass in some places.

I swam in the Indian Ocean.

 I liked Madagascar. The people are nice. The city is very big and busy, and really dirty. But most big cities are.

 I met a gidro. My life is changed. Madagascar changed it.

Tiako be ny Madagasikara sy olona gasy. Misaotra betsaka. @ manaraka.

I will see you again someday.

Anxiously Engaged

Well blast, I've been far to busy. My goal of writing once a week hasn't been working out so well. I either need to recommit or recant. So this is spring break and I finally have a little bit of time to do anything. I finally sent my little brother the package I was supposed to have sent him in January.

Off the top of my head I don't remember the date of the last thing I wrote. I just remember it was sometime in January. Well, since then my life has changed somewhat.

Brad and I decided to get married. We talked about it either at the end of January or the beginning of February. We went to introduce him to my parents and tell them at the beginning of February, and then we went to introduce me to his mom and tell her a couple of weeks later.

Brad proposed officially (with the ring) on February 21, 2012 at the temple were he'd initially asked me prior to meeting my parents. So its official. We are engaged. We will be getting married in the San Antonio temple on June 9, 2012.

This is my ring. :)

Judgmental

A little while ago I posted about recognizing I needed to be a bit... more. And I didn't really disclose everything because it wasn't just about needing to be more, but also a bit... less.

See, I'm actually a really judgmental person. I am to myself and to a lot of other people. I had this realization after a conversation with one of my roommates. Not because of anything that was necessarily said, it was just one of those percolating things that later after the conversation it kind of just hit me that I'd not been very good about a lot of things. And not just with that particular situation, but with others, and with other people.

I re-read a post from October and I'm contemplating taking it down. I feel bad about it because I have been very wrong about a lot of things. It's rough because cleaning up is always a lot harder and time consuming than making the mess.

Running!

I'm onto a new running venture. I now have nike+ and I must say that I rather like it. I have only used it once so I'm not completely familiar with everything, but what I've experienced so far has been great. If only I could figure out how to upload my runs online.

Either way it is still nice to have to tell me how far I've been, how fast I'm going, and how much of the run is left. And I get to have a powersong!

Cuando Menos Piensas Sale el Sol

I am so very grateful for a much needed vacation. Even though it has only been a few days, I needed the break from work. I've done ok not thinking about work. Whenever work thoughts creep into my head I push them away as best I can. I've needed the break for several reasons: 1) I have become somewhat hyperfocused on things at work, 2) I haven't been doing very many creative things and have been feeling somewhat stifled of soul, 3) I've also been feeling somewhat agitated and impulsive

Pero cuando menos piensas sale el sol.

I decided to start running again. This means I need new music. So I went to the public library to check out some CDs. One of which was a newer album by Shakira, which I have thus far been pleased with. It is reminiscent of earlier albums which I've enjoyed. The initial track, Sale el Sol, struck a chord with the refrain, "pero cuando menos piensas sale el sol" (when you least think it, the sun comes out).

Very true. This is somewhat of a time in my life where the Lord has opened a window when I found myself facing closed doors.

Happiness

Well over a month has gone by and I haven't yet written about what I had been thinking about. It is still on my mind, but that is about all. I haven't done a whole lot with it.

And I recognize that I need to be a bit...more.

Today during relief society we talked about modesty. Later at home a couple of roommates and I had a brief discussion about some of the said and unsaid comments. Essentially the conversation touched on the disconnect between words and actions. I recognize this about myself. I can say all the right answers all day long. But how often do I really put my heart and soul into doing them? I admit that it hasn't been anytime lately.

Funny how life is. I have been very happy lately. I want to say that I'm not sure why, but I know that it is a culmination of several things. It is outside voices who say "happiness is a choice," and voices who talk about how confident they are. People probably don't realize how much soaks in, but stuff soaks in for me. I listen, mull it over for a while, and somehow absorb something from it.

A lot of my thoughts lately have been about gratitude I guess. Grateful people are happy people. No matter how little or how much someone has, if they are grateful for it, they will be happy. No matter what is going on in your life... if you are grateful, you will be happy.